Tuedays Trivia

Why do I feel guilty so much? Here I am sitting at the computer and DH comes in with a basket of folding. I feel guilty about it. Why should I? He spends hours on the computer every day but he says it is earning our income. Why can't I feel that I can sit for ages here......................

I have cut heaps of roses this morning. The first time in ages and ages I have had them inside the house. Last year I did nothing with them. This year I have fed them blood and bone and cow manure, pruned them right back and I have been rewarded with some of the most beautiful blooms I have had for a few years. The best one seems to be the one my Brother and Sister in Law gave me after Dad died. A sort of 'Thank you' for the care I/ we gave him. Next to it is a beautiful purple one called 'Passion Purple' (I think). It is flowering well. My Iceburg doesn't seem to be doing well at all. I am not sure what the problem is but the ground is reasonably damp to wet most of the time. I might transplant it next June when it is safer to do so. I also have a blood red Gladdie out. The first Gladdie to flower for the same reasons as the roses............ This Gladdie flowered while Dad and I were in Sydney in Nov. 2002 for his Radiotherapy. Hasn't flowered since.

Our friend, George, is having a rough time at the moment with kidney stones. He has been in and out of the hospital since Saturday night. I hope he gets rid of them soon. The pain from those little buggers is phenominal.

I am about to hang some things on the line, then I will make sure some ironing is done and out of the way so I can scrap this afternoon. I haven't scrapped for a couple of weeks.

Looking forward to seeing my big son and his beautiful girl from China in a couple of weeks time. Janets Mum will be out in Auistralia on a work trip so we will be able to meet her too.

I'll be off.

Darrell : 'What kind of meat is this?'
Jenny: 'Steak"
D. "What kind of steak?"
J: "I don't know. Steak. I didn't read the name on the bag"
Emily: "Can I pick it up in my fingers, put my foot on it and growl?"
J. "NO. Use your Knife and fork."
E: I can't cut it with this knife"
Oliver:" get a steak Knife"
D:"Did you cook this under the grill?:

Jenny EXITS the table in a foul mood.

Thsi gives me the SH*TS BIG TIME..........

They can cook their own bl**dy tea next time.

It seems ages since I have written anything in my blog but in reality, I suppose it isn't all that long......only 3 or 4 days.

Today is/ was the third anniversary of the death of my Mum. Her death came more of a shock to me than my Dads death, 6 months earlier. Mum seemed to be settling into the Nursing Home and we seemed to be finally starting to be OK again (she was not happy at all with the NH arrangements and with me being the one to visit most often, I guess I was sitting duck for her sadness and upset feelings, feelings of abandonment etc. I knew what it was all about but that judt didn't make it any easier to handle. I had to stay away for a while. It was all so terrible). The day has passed in a lot better way that I thought it would. I think that Mr. time is weaving his softening spell.

I have not rung my sister or my two brothers today................is that bad???? I think we all are dealing with everything in our own ways.

Was a quiet day here in Couchville.

I slept in until 10.30 am, had a do nothing much sort of a day although there is tons to do !! helped DD2 a little bit with some sewing she was doing for a friends birthday party tonight. Rang DD1 to see if she would be home for tea and if so, what would she like (it was to be a birthday tea...) THEN had a phone call from my friend............the Fire brigade were available to burn off some dead logs and other timber at Jackadgery so went up there. DD1 chose not to come home tonight so will be home tomorrow (another weekend for study down the plug hole )......Gawd I hope this kid can cram in ecough in 2 weeks to get her the UAI she needs for Uni !

DS2 cooked 'sausage rolls, cubed everything and mashed potatoes for tea tonight. Cubed everything is frozen veges !!!

Not far off going to bed now. One glass of Boxed Red should see me sleeping soundly pretty soon.

....I slept very little last night...3, maybe 4 hours all up. I have been up since 6.30am (tis now almost 8pm). I have seen kids off to school, watered the gardens, weeded some gardens, weeded another garden, then another one...............I am aching all over.

So much for getting lots of sunshine ! Off to have a hot shower, then I might crawl into bed.........

I saw a few snippets of Steve Irwins memorial Service but couldn't watch the whole thing.

RIP, Steve.

My sympathies to you, Terri and Bindi and Little Bob.

Another Scrapitude Challenge

This LO was done by Rona from Scrapitude. I love how she has cut the photo into pieces then put it together with spaces between. A different perspective on a single LO. The flowers make cara look as though she is swinging amongst them.....















This LO is of my sons Fiance, Janet. I Love the whole feeling of the photo. To me, it is one of elegance and sophistication, how her hair is swept up, the Mona Lisa type smile.....we don't know what it is exactly she IS smiling at (Oh I Know....My Prima Flowers LOL )

What Do I Like About Me ?

Scrappy Fairy ( http://www.scrapitude.co.uk ) has challenged us to blog about Something I Like About Me'.........

Well, ummmmmmm not a lot comes to mind. I like to think I am a friendly person, a 'good' mother to my kids. A 'good' listener, a 'good' friend. My hair is nice...........

Should slip this into too hard basket.

My Late Afternoon

I toddled off to see my Dr this arv. She sent me up to the mental Health Unit and I had a talk with a really nice bloke. I felt comfortable with him. Both he and the GP want me to see the Psych so I will make an appointment with him tomorrow. The GP said that if I have trouble getting in, to let her know and she will make the appointment for me. The MHU bloke said that by going there, there will be a 'safety net' set up for me. I have numbers to ring if I crash out of hours. I felt, well, safe.

I haven't been talking to DH about any of what or how I am feeling..........I will get around to that.

I am going to see if I can't get any scrapping done. I WANT to and I NEED to...................it just isn't happening, though.

Have Made a Minor Decision

I am taking the plunge today and seeing a GP. Not my usual one as she is away, so another of the lady Dr.s There have been a feww things happen in the last couple of months that have tended to 'get to me' and I can't seem to get myself out of my rut. I just don't want to do anything much and there is plenety to do. Just have no real interest in anything much which in its turn, helps keep me down there.......

Can't cope well with the kids.........just life in general. Admittedly, I am nowhere near as bad as I was in March/ April but I don't want to get as down as that.

There are people around who are worse than me but to be truthful, sometimes it just doesn't help me. I feel worse because I feel bad about stuff and yet, their life happenings are worse than mine.

I am rambling here.

I Have Music

Just love this song. Really picks me up.

I just don't know how to get it into the side bar LOL

Wellllll

..I am sitting here bashing the keyboard. I want to do some scrapping but just sat there. Gazing off into nothing.

I am not sure I can handle being me at the moment. I just wish there was something better.........

Oliver just refuses to get his homework done, Elizabeth came home last Friday with the announcement that a Yr 11 boy (a nice kid) has asked her to be his girlfriend. He came around to meet us and when he went home........well she just watches too much bloody Television.........

Ally is favouring DH............I should not have expected a kitten to be all mine when there are 4 others in the house. I will never have a cat again like my Possum.

I think I should just go to bed.

Homework??

How do you get a 15 year old to get his homework done?

How do you get the message across that if it is done ASAP after getting it, you there will be no worries about due dates etc?

It is an age old question, I know. DS1 and DD2 seem to 'get it', DD1 'gets it' some of the time. I feel as though I bang my head against a brick wall............. He gets distracted SO easily. What makes it worse is when DH asks and asks about the h'work to be done (This REALLY frustrates DH........DS not doing his homework) I really find it difficult coping with what goes on especially when DS gets angry and walks away not getting anything done.....................I am hoping he will get himself soeted out one day. Next year he will really need to have stuff done and in on time or he runs the rsik of no Schoool Certificate. I can see another Krakatoa if that happens.

DH took DD1 to Armidale on Friday for thier Open Day. She came home full of information, happier about staying in a fully catered college and seems to be confident and focused even more about Nursing. She only needs to stick her head in her books and study for the next 5 weeks or so. The HSC begins on the 19th October and she has her first exam that day. There is nothing extra we can be doing, the ball is in her court. She has said she hasn't done well in the HSC Trials. I only hope she can study enough to get the UAI she needs for Uni.

Just spoke to my Big Boy. Love chatting to him. J His Fiance's Mum is coming to visit in mid October so we are going down to meet her. really looking forward to that and to seeing M and J again. M was home in the July holidays but we haven't seen J for nearly 12 months. Well, it would be 12 months and a bit more. She came home with M in the July holidays last year. They had a special day on Friday. It was their First Anniversary of being Engaged............I remember when.....it was DH and me. Such a long time ago, now. :-)

We have been haing some great rain over the last week or so. Very heavy at times, too. Fantastic. There are still places that need it badly. Maybe God could turn a couple of more sprinklers on around the place.

Before I toddle off to bed, there is something I would like to mention..........

Organ Donation. On Friday, 1st September, one week after her First Birthday, A Little Princess, Rani Millar died of liver failure before she could have a transplant. PLEASE, talk to your families about organ donation. It can truly be a life saving act. So many people were praying and hoping for a liver to become available for Rani but it was not to be. You can read about Rani's struggle here :- http://www.millar5.blogspot.com It makes for sad reading but the strength and courage of this little girl and her family is truly amazing. There is no justice in the world............to save Rani's life, a child first had to lose thiers.............such a hard thing to deal with.

Well, time for bed. There are a few things I'd like to get done tomorrow.

See you next time. If you read this, I'd love it if you'd leave a message, just to say 'Hello' :-)

Brocky Has Been Killed.....

I have just heard that Peter Brock, King of the Mountain several times, has been killed in a crash during the Targa Rally in WA today.

Just unbelievable.......I used to watch him (on telly) go round Mt. Panorama when I was a kid.

RIP Brocky. Sympathies to your family..................

Not so SPLAT.........

I think I am feeling a bit better today.

I am having a day to myself and I am going to scrap all day (once I hang the washing out ).

DH and DD1 have gone to Armidale for the UNE Open Day. They left here at 6am, O and E are at school and I won't see them until 4pm. Hope DH and DD1 saty in Armidale absorbing as much as possible about the Uni.

i intend to have a great day !! Have the stereo going with what I like and how loud I want it !!!!

SPLAT

Can someone tell me why it is that when I start to feel OK, I seem to crash? It happens time and time again............About 8 years ago I was running around, doing heaps of stuff at school and out of school. Now I do ZILCH and I STILL end up in a heap. I have a good start to the day, then within a couple of hours, I can be in tears, pick up a bit during the day, then fizzle at night. I am up and down like a yo-yo...............

I try to control how I am but sometimes I can't. I try not to let on to the family how I feel but they are not silly........they know. The birthday girl loses it with me, DH can too......

Just don't know.

I find myself thinking of doing 'silly things'.............I have strong urges just not to be here.

I have been told so many times that I am not expected to ever go back to work, then this morning I am asked if I want to go back............. The finances are all geared to a low income so me going back to work will stuff up those plans.

Have to go.........

I'm a bit tired and need my beauty sleep.............

Birthday Girl

Tomorrow, my big girl, my Bi-Centennial Baby turns 18. Where on earth has that time gone?

She sits her HSC this year and then off to Uni in Armidale (she hopes). That will give me two kids at Uni and two kids at home. gee it is going to be quiet !!!

There will be no birthday tea in our house tomorrow night as she is going out with her friend, Jess. None om Saturday night, either because she will be at Jess's for the weekend. looks like Friday night is the go !!! I'll be scrapping with my friend tomorrow afternoon so will do a cake in the morning so we can have birthday cake after school.

Just cannot believe she is 18.......................

Stuff Transferred from my Old Blog

5:19 PM, 11/3/2006 ..
Have just super quickly read a thing on wmen on a site I look at.

It ended with "If there were one flaw in women, it is that they forgeththier worth"

Sometimes you feel that you worth a cracker. nothing is worth it.

DD is off to an 18th party tonight and I was to take her out to it. Thats OK but when she was ready to go, I was at the toilet. She yelled at me that we would be late.............i told her where I was and I was feeling sick and could Dad go instead.....

"All bloody right then" and stormed off. She had to pick up some stuff for a friend, collect a friend, then back to get DH so he could take the girls out. Didn't want her on the Pacific Highway, Saturday night with the cazillion semis................

She thinks I was 'feeling sick' because I didn't want to go............I said this to DH and he said because I am the way I am she is reacting to it. Why does it have to be my fault..........

Geez I wish i never was

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9:33 PM, 11/3/2006 .. Posted by Anonymous .........Ah Jenny i have just had the chance to read throught your Blog and flashed between feelings of Anger and tears. I think you have and are a wonderful Mum and thet your DD's and DH need a kick up the butt. If there is such a thing as magic i would swap, them with you for a few days and then stand back and wathc their faces as they face what you have to.. Im not saying they are all bad, but they need to find another way of taking out their furstration and not use you as a sounding board Jeannette

7:42 AM, 12/3/2006 ..
I have a worry about using a weblog and that is that I am painting a black picture of DD1 and DH.

Underneath DD there really is a lovely young lady who will one day have forgotten all of this. She truly is a caring and loving person.

DH just cannot make head nor tail of me. I take what he says is ;blame for the situation' because he (in the male logical manner) tells me that if "I wasn't the way I was, the kids wouldn't be like they are". Instantly I take that as laying blame but he says a very definite "NO". "If I were better, things would BE better"

God, I don't know.

I know I tend to waffle on.............................

I was watching the film, 'Patriot' last night and at the end, when the son is killed by the English Captain/ major or whatever he was, he apologised to his father about his brothers death, earlier in the film. DD was home from her party chatting on MSN and asked what happened to the brother. I tried to explain what happened and she said in an impatient voice, 'Just tell me what happened to Thomas'...........Well, I lost it and started hitting here. She was hitting back but I then found myself on the floor....................I could have lost my balance or something, I don't remember. I remember DS2 trying to help me up and when I was p, I went into my bedroom, slammed the door shut (mind you, this is very close to midnight or just after) and yelled that "I do not have a frigging daughter" shut the door, whipped off my glasses and threw them..................I now need to get them fixed tomorrow. I am feeling sore in some places I know I wasn;t sore before....................

Dh was close to tears by the time I went to bed and again tried to explain that if I was better, the household would be better. He assures me he is not laying blame but I cannot help but feel the root of the matter is me, which it is.

If I didn't have Lupus, didn't have to farm the kids to various friends for the visits to Sydney for my appointments when they were younger, if I didn't have to spend 2 weeks in hospital in Sydney after my splenectomy, if I didn't have SO MANY things go wrong with me, then life would be OK. I could work instead of being at hme all the time (I have too many medical problems for the local hospital to employ me, even on a shortened hours basis. The bastards took 4 bloody months after my interview to tell me that. The only contact between me and them following the interview was from me trying to find out what was happening about the job.....)

I recovered relatively quickly from hitting the deck last night, made myself a cuppa, sat in a different room to watch the end of the movie (Thanks Mum and Dad for your televison set). I think I was determined not to allow DD to see that I had been shocked, deflated etc by the episode. Guess it was a pride thing.

After everyone had gone to bed (by about 12.30am) I sat up and started writing out reasons why I should stay and why I should go. At the moment, the reasons to go are far outweighing the reasons to stay. They are all medically me related. I told DH whn I got into bed. I know this came as a shock to him but I said that I thought the family needed breathing space, maybe the gilrs needed for me not to be there for a couple of weeks (and that is most definitely not in a cranky tome of voice), I think that maybe of the three kids at home now, I feel that it will only be DS2 who will miss me the most. (After not ripping through DD2 last night after finding she had drunk a bottle of beer and leaving the empty in the garage fridge.....I actually indicated very quietly I was LIVID with her, leaving the table before I'd finished my meal and putting it into the bin) I don't really think, at this particular point in time, either of the girls will miss me too much.

I told Dh I would not go to any family member (most especially not the Sinl who told me it was my fault with DD2 because I wan't disciplining her properly) but to friends in Sydney. It would not be a permanent thing, just a cuple of weeks to give us all some breathing space after the remaining months doctors appoinments. This one cme from 'left field' for him. I also told him I did not want him to come to my psychiatrists appointment, that he was NOT my carere. he replied with "But I am your husband and I care"..............I agreed but repeated he was NOT my carer. My going might not happen but at least he knows it now and I will let the kids know today (maybe.....not sure about this one)

I really must go. I have been up since 5.30am, after going to bed at 1.30 am I know I will hit the wall hard again, physically if not mentally. Oh, I also told DH I had had enough of beingtold to 'pull myself together, get over it etc., etc.' because I just CAN'T This just all doesn't go away.

I know he loves and this is breaking him up. I don't know of any other way to deal with it. I have days where I try to work ut strategies but most days I can't get my head around scrap booking and that is somthing I have come to love and truly enjoy doing.

On the subject of getting a kitten, after hitting the floor last night, I had visions of it just being under me at the wrong time and believe me, I am no lightweight.

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8:17 AM, 12/3/2006 .. Posted by Anonymous ...... Jenny I just caught up on your blog and I can't even begin to understand what you are going through but I really think your DH needs to take a better look at his behaviour. I know no one is perfect, etc., and I'm not saying he is a bad guy by any means. I just think that any time kids act up, it's up to BOTH parents to come together and work together as a team and show a united front and it's not the way in your home. Your DH assigns all blame to you and your kids follow by example of their Dad. It's hurtful to you, not going to help you get better and thus the vicious cycle seems to continue. I don't usually think that going away makes things better but I do think you might be right in this case to have a bit of space, more for yourself than anything else. You need to focus on your health and feel better and it's time your DH stepped up to the plate and did more than verbally berate you. Perhaps if he is left to his own means he can realise YOU aren't the problem. Sorry to say all this but I just think something needs to change. Even if you were in perfect health, your kids would not be perfect, etc. Life just isn't perfect. Your DH would still be blaming you for everything that is wrong in life, it seems like he doesn't know any better and perhaps he needs to go in for some therapy himself? BIG hugs to you. Marja

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12:12 AM, 14/3/2006 .. Posted by bandit5125 .......... I agree and maybe family counseling would be a good thing for you both. Boy you carry a lot on your shoulders, more so then the average person. I am glad you have this blog to releive some of the pressures.

12:00 PM, 7/3/2006 ..

Sunday was not a good day for me.

I was missing my Possum so much...............I just cried my heart out, went up to her garden/ grave and pulled the weeds........(easier to get them out in the rain).........I cried and cried.

Came down to the laundry to put the washing on and DD1 (17 ) started yelling at me to stop being so stupid and silly................you are just being silly Mum..........just stop it. and turned up the radio SO LOUD so she couldn't hear me. I am afraid I was past trying to cry quietly.

Went up inside and lay down, sobbing into my pillow, got up and went to the loungeroom. DH came in and saw me upset.........."Pull yourself together, I thought you were all over this................can't you see that how you are and the sate you are in affects the whole family?"

All I wanted was to be held.

I shut up. Organised stuff for tea, grabbed an umbrella and went for a walk.

Why couldn't he just hold me????????

10:33 PM, 5/3/2006 ..
I saw the Rheumatologist on Tuesday. Basically, because things are going the way they are, she is handing me over to the Haematologist. I still see her, of course.

The Haematologist said :-

As yet, no bone marrow results.

I am showing some signs of a different blood disorder called Acquired Von Wilebrands Disease. 'Normal' Von Willebrands is an hereditary diesease and relatively common. To my knowledge, there are no members of the family who have had any kind of bleeding disorder. Acquired Von Willebrands (AVW ) is an almost non event. Dr. Jackson said there have only been a few people diagnosed with it in the world and this is Medical Journal stuff. I laughed at that one and he said "No, seriously, this is very, very rare" To be certain of it, he wants to have 3 or 4 blood test results that show whatever it is he is seeing. I can't really remember what it was. I wasn't feeling too good on Thursday so didn't take a real lot of it in.

In addition to the blood results fro the Von Willebrands, I have a Positive Coombs test result (has something to do with anti bodies and red blood cells) and the bruises I have , he said, are more Von Willebrands bruises than the low platelet bruising.

I had another ton of blood work done just after I saw him, am to have another platelet count done in two weeks and see him again on the 22nd March. He should also have all the bone marrow results in by then.

I am off the hook for the time being with regard to new drug treatments until he has this VWD sorted out. Could also be one of those things that the results will show up once and not again..........

Over the weekend I went right off the rails .................... Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of the death of my most Preciuos Possum. She wasn't just a cat......................she gave me the strength to keep going when I didn't think I could. She would listen when no -one else wanted to, She carried my tears for all of her life. I think the reason I do not cope with so many things now is that my best coping mechanism is not besode me amore................ Today is the 3rd Anniversary of the death of my Dad. He had battled melanomas for 17 years beginning with one from his thigh.........bumped a little lump as he pulled his chair in to sit down and it didn't stop bleeding. Following urgent and major surgey in 2000 to repair a ruptured gastric ulcer that turned out to be a secondary melanoma, is surgeon told Dad that there was nothing that could be done for him until he stsrted showing signs and syptoms of his boddy riddled with the stuff, then they would give him Palliative Chemo. At that popint I had let the surgeon know how useless I thought he was and said that Dad had been booked into a Melanoma Unit in Newcastle. Sudden back flip....Oh Oh he can go to Brisbane. I basically told the Dr to get stuf*ed !!!! Thus began a round of three or four different drug trilas. Dad always said if it didn't help him, it might help someone else one day. I needed a long walk this afternoon and while I was out I was thinking 'was I being selfish to have arranged the Melanoma Unit thus drug trials for Dad (they gave him an extra 3 years). As I drove to Lismore to see the Haemat feeling stressed beyond belief, I asked my self if I had made my Dad feel like this? In July 2002, Dad had a crytsal clear body CAT Scan. By the end of October, 5 cerebral tumours were found, varying in size from 2mm to 2 cms and one was at the base of his brain. He couldn't speak properly, he would start to say something but his sentence would end completey unrelated. He was also losing his balance. He had been a 4th Class Primary School Teacher (small schools....enrolment no more than 15 kids) and loved it. He was a very articulate man so you could imagine the sheer frustration he would have felt with his speech................. He died suddenly on Thursday 6th March in hospital (went in for a chest infection) To this day I don't know if it was a heart attack or a clot in the lung. All I know is that we all miss him........................The kids don't ring Pop and Gran (died in the September after Dad) with exciting news anymore......................life has gone on. Jenny


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9:53 AM, 26/4/2006 .. Posted by Ally (again!) i know two postings in one day on ur blog omg..rnt u so lucky!!! anyway same iwth my step dad..(1st one killed in vietnam I'm 44) but step dad of like 30yrs diagnosed with prostate cancer..doc in charge said we wait to see what happens im all WTF (scuse me) no way then had scans done he had small leisons in his bones..3 months after inital scan said nothing i questions younger doc he said they would have been there !!! not happy..so very viral man who had rarely been sick a day in his life 6months later died a cruel and painful death hooked up to morphine...my mother is still not coping and us well..its one day at a time still 2 yrs down the track....the docs sit there in their high and might offices playing chicken with lives..truely jenny it makes me so mad...sorry for the maudlin post..take care stay safe..i hear ya seriously..xx Ally (meowrr..oh sorry lmao ;) ) ps im so pleased you have found ally cos possum was so precious..i have katie she is 14 and sleeps all day now...shes inside atm DH says shes an outside cat..yeah yeah lmao..have a great day xx

7:42 AM, 12/3/2006
I have a worry about using a weblog and that is that I am painting a black picture of DD1 and DH.

Underneath DD there really is a lovely young lady who will one day have forgotten all of this. She truly is a caring and loving person.

DH just cannot make head nor tail of me. I take what he says is ;blame for the situation' because he (in the male logical manner) tells me that if "I wasn't the way I was, the kids wouldn't be like they are". Instantly I take that as laying blame but he says a very definite "NO". "If I were better, things would BE better"

God, I don't know.

I know I tend to waffle on.............................

I was watching the film, 'Patriot' last night and at the end, when the son is killed by the English Captain/ major or whatever he was, he apologised to his father about his brothers death, earlier in the film. DD was home from her party chatting on MSN and asked what happened to the brother. I tried to explain what happened and she said in an impatient voice, 'Just tell me what happened to Thomas'...........Well, I lost it and started hitting here. She was hitting back but I then found myself on the floor....................I could have lost my balance or something, I don't remember. I remember DS2 trying to help me up and when I was p, I went into my bedroom, slammed the door shut (mind you, this is very close to midnight or just after) and yelled that "I do not have a frigging daughter" shut the door, whipped off my glasses and threw them..................I now need to get them fixed tomorrow. I am feeling sore in some places I know I wasn;t sore before....................

Dh was close to tears by the time I went to bed and again tried to explain that if I was better, the household would be better. He assures me he is not laying blame but I cannot help but feel the root of the matter is me, which it is.

If I didn't have Lupus, didn't have to farm the kids to various friends for the visits to Sydney for my appointments when they were younger, if I didn't have to spend 2 weeks in hospital in Sydney after my splenectomy, if I didn't have SO MANY things go wrong with me, then life would be OK. I could work instead of being at hme all the time (I have too many medical problems for the local hospital to employ me, even on a shortened hours basis. The bastards took 4 bloody months after my interview to tell me that. The only contact between me and them following the interview was from me trying to find out what was happening about the job.....)

I recovered relatively quickly from hitting the deck last night, made myself a cuppa, sat in a different room to watch the end of the movie (Thanks Mum and Dad for your televison set). I think I was determined not to allow DD to see that I had been shocked, deflated etc by the episode. Guess it was a pride thing.

After everyone had gone to bed (by about 12.30am) I sat up and started writing out reasons why I should stay and why I should go. At the moment, the reasons to go are far outweighing the reasons to stay. They are all medically me related. I told DH whn I got into bed. I know this came as a shock to him but I said that I thought the family needed breathing space, maybe the gilrs needed for me not to be there for a couple of weeks (and that is most definitely not in a cranky tome of voice), I think that maybe of the three kids at home now, I feel that it will only be DS2 who will miss me the most. (After not ripping through DD2 last night after finding she had drunk a bottle of beer and leaving the empty in the garage fridge.....I actually indicated very quietly I was LIVID with her, leaving the table before I'd finished my meal and putting it into the bin) I don't really think, at this particular point in time, either of the girls will miss me too much.

I told Dh I would not go to any family member (most especially not the Sinl who told me it was my fault with DD2 because I wan't disciplining her properly) but to friends in Sydney. It would not be a permanent thing, just a cuple of weeks to give us all some breathing space after the remaining months doctors appoinments. This one cme from 'left field' for him. I also told him I did not want him to come to my psychiatrists appointment, that he was NOT my carere. he replied with "But I am your husband and I care"..............I agreed but repeated he was NOT my carer. My going might not happen but at least he knows it now and I will let the kids know today (maybe.....not sure about this one)

I really must go. I have been up since 5.30am, after going to bed at 1.30 am I know I will hit the wall hard again, physically if not mentally. Oh, I also told DH I had had enough of beingtold to 'pull myself together, get over it etc., etc.' because I just CAN'T This just all doesn't go away.

I know he loves and this is breaking him up. I don't know of any other way to deal with it. I have days where I try to work ut strategies but most days I can't get my head around scrap booking and that is somthing I have come to love and truly enjoy doing.

On the subject of getting a kitten, after hitting the floor last night, I had visions of it just being under me at the wrong time and believe me, I am no lightweight.


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8:17 AM, 12/3/2006 .. Posted by Anonymous ........ Jenny I just caught up on your blog and I can't even begin to understand what you are going through but I really think your DH needs to take a better look at his behaviour. I know no one is perfect, etc., and I'm not saying he is a bad guy by any means. I just think that any time kids act up, it's up to BOTH parents to come together and work together as a team and show a united front and it's not the way in your home. Your DH assigns all blame to you and your kids follow by example of their Dad. It's hurtful to you, not going to help you get better and thus the vicious cycle seems to continue. I don't usually think that going away makes things better but I do think you might be right in this case to have a bit of space, more for yourself than anything else. You need to focus on your health and feel better and it's time your DH stepped up to the plate and did more than verbally berate you. Perhaps if he is left to his own means he can realise YOU aren't the problem. Sorry to say all this but I just think something needs to change. Even if you were in perfect health, your kids would not be perfect, etc. Life just isn't perfect. Your DH would still be blaming you for everything that is wrong in life, it seems like he doesn't know any better and perhaps he needs to go in for some therapy himself? BIG hugs to you. Marja

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12:12 AM, 14/3/2006 .. Posted by bandit5125 ..... I agree and maybe family counseling would be a good thing for you both. Boy you carry a lot on your shoulders, more so then the average person. I am glad you have this blog to releive some of the pressures.

5:31 PM, 13/3/2006
Well, While finishing off at the dentisits this morning, my little mobile phone thingy buzzed and tingled....

I had an appoinment at a psychologist for the 27th March. It was them asking if I wanted today at midday instead. I accepted........

To sum it up, she has suggested I might need a change in anti depressant. She had to ring the Psychiatrist I am going to on the 20th March about another patient and asked my permission to speak about me. I said that was OK. Far better for a suggestion in drug changes to come from a Professional person than from the patient. We started talking about strategies to help me get through all this garbage (yet again........) when I mentioned how I can get into a really good and sometimes silly mood, that DH worries about this because he says I usually have a big crash. She suggested we discuss that, too. Don't really know what difference taht makes but anyway, I will.

I have been seeing this lady for about a year or so now (maybe longer) and I have usually left with another appointment for the calendar. Today was different. I think she is handing me over to the Psych., as no arrangements for other visits have been made. I am not sure what I think about that. I do know, though, that when she mentioned strategies on how to cope, and start relationship repair/ building my initial reaction was "No..........I cannot cope with those now. I just cannot do strategies.........I just cannot ....." I went on to say to her I have times when I get really silly (happy silly) and DH has told me how he dreads those times because (in his words) I crash and fall in a heap. She didn't talk strategies after I told her this, just asked me to let her know what the Psych says. I think I found that un-nerving a little because she has always made a follow up appoinment.............maybe she just got sick of hearing the same old same old......

No, that is not fair...........................she DID say that she felt I was past strategies and needed to artificially be brought back to a place where I could once again work with the strategies. Possibly a change in drug treatment might be what I need.

She suggested something I had already thought of and pretty well know................my family does not know what to with me so they are reacting in a way that shows they are thier wits end

Last year, I would ring my son (at Uni) and leave little messages for him....hello, how are you? Mummy loves you.... From what I remember (and my memory is getting bad these days) it was mainly stuff like that. He became engaged last September and I started calling J. my darling future daughter in law. M asked me not to anymore.......The psychologist has suggested that their request to me (made late last year) to ring only late on a Sunday morning this year, was the only way they could not be reminded of me and not be made to think of me in my depressed state and worry about me. After all, M is all that way away. ....sort of thing. I had not realised this and I am really sorry to them if this is so. I just didn't think..... I know he is now his own man but he is still my first born. I think we have a special relationship................and I love him so very much.

Mothers know it but thier children don't (until they are parents themselves) but we Mums love deeply all the kids we have and not one has more love than another at any one given time. They are ALL plonked into the LOVE bowl. It does not matter how many kids are in that LOVE bowl....there is always love, pure and 100%..........nothing else............and plenty to go around.

You know.........I think I am hoping I will be admitted to somewhere so that all this can be taken out of my hands for just a little while. It is all just too hard.................we did discuss (sort of) suicide but I assured her that
1) I could never do that to my family and
2) I am a wimp......

The GP I saw on Friday asked about this as well......................Maybe it is a standard question..................

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7:32 PM, 13/3/2006 .. Posted by Anonymous ........... Jenny, I can't imagine how you must be feelign so I won't insult you by telling you that I understand. But, what I do know is that depression is a very powerful thing. The fact that you didn't get a follow up appt and have been referred elsehwere simply means that you are being sent to somebody that is better equipped to help you deal with your problems. I don't think your dh really blames you for everything that's happening, but (and I'm not taking sides at all) I do know that people cope in different ways with living with somebody with depression. It's not easy for anybody, most of all you. I guess I just want to tell you to hang in there - I'm sure they all love you very much and probably just feel completely helpless right now. You're doing the right thing - you're admitting your problems and you're doing the best you can to get well. ((Hugs)) Karen (K3)

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12:10 AM, 14/3/2006 .. Posted by bandit5125 ........ Jenny, can you remember back to when you first felt the depression? Is it a chemical thing or a physical thing? your working in the right direction of getting help, hang in there, its not easy but you will get there. I wish your family was a bit more supportive of you. Having depression on top of lupus, itp and now possibly the vwd is more then one person should have t deal with. I would be a basket case myself. Please do something nice for yourself today. xoxoxxo LouAnn

8:37 AM, 15/3/2006
Just tell me this...........

I have a reasonably good nights sleep, wake up thinking that today might be OK, then the kids start emerging............................They eat ME for breakfast. O baits the girls and his Dad and gets the hugest bites.........mind you, I bite back, too but only when I am pushed to the limit and just lately, I am not very far away from that bloody limit...............

I could just lash out and whack ALL of them.....................

O and the girls want hair cuts. i arrange that for Saturday mornings but I will be away with my friend, V. DH can't do that....does it have to be Saturday..................for Gods sake, does it have to be ME who takes them along ?????

What would they do if I REALLY wasn't here??? DH does the go to rowing trwing and the guitar and the orthodontist visits, I concede that. He has also been not working sine Sept. 2002 so WHO THE HELL DID IT THEN??????? AND WITH LITTLE KIDS............................

I REALLY thought I was beginning to feel better.........................

I am aching all over again from my fall on Saturday night, especially between my shoulder blades. Have been working on getting that bit better for a while and was having good success but nw it is almost back to square one.

I really don't want to be here................send me to some quiet little place where I can take my scrapbooking stuff and be by myself........................

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12:05 AM, 16/3/2006 .. Posted by bandit5125 ................ hubbys can be like that. sometimes they just don't get it! I am lucky in that Mike helps me out, but there are days when it drives me insane that I can get more acchomplished in 1 hour then he can in 5. ah the joys of parenthood! My daughter will be getting her license in a couple months, then I don't have to be chauffer anymore! looking forward to that! have a great day sweety and keep your chin up!

11:52 PM, 18/3/2006 ..
I am home from the papercrafts Festival in Brsibane. I had a ball but came home very , very tired. Had a lovely dinner att eh new Newmarket Hotel....

Found quite a few bargains, met some 'online friends' face to face.......which was really nice.
Went off the the DFO at the brisbane Airposrt today before the drive home....

It was ownderful to be away from home without the kids amd husband. Called in and saw my brother along the way. He andhis waife are going though the excat samke things...................what is it with kids????? i honestly cannot remember behaving with my parents the way these kids are going with thiers. (US)

The closer the time came to us leaving Brisbnae, the more I felt like like running away. When we arribved home, there wasno-one to grete me. I wonder what woulr\d happen in I ome day, I just didn't come home.

You know, I had been talking about this for a couple of weeks well within hearing distance of the kids.....................I just give up.........................eExtremey very little accknowledgement that Mun was hom...............


7:01 PM, 19/3/2006
DH has been reading up on Bi Polar today. Says it fits me like a tee.

Just another f****ng thing to add to my list.

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6:26 AM, 20/3/2006 .. Posted by Anonymous ........Hi Jenny, I hate giving things a name, but if you or DH think that you fit the BP description, talk to your Dr about it when you see them next, atleast you may be able to get some medication and be able to adapt to it. Hope all is well. Alicia

11:26 PM, 20/3/2006
No Bi-Polar disorder. Fiddled with medications. See him in a month. Thanks for the support girls.I am so sorry girls but I feel so tired, down and so aggressive tonight. If I was on my own, I would get into the car and drive to God knows where at God kows what speed....................... These nes tabs take a week or two to kick in................. I just want to be by myself for a while.......................... If Only I culd book myself into a unit smewhere, I most definitely would...................and NO, I am not in the middle of PMT or Menoapause............................

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11:44 PM, 23/3/2006 .. Posted by Jeannette .............. Jenny Just wanted to say thinking of you Jeannette
thinking about you
3:48 AM, 24/3/2006 .. Posted by bandit5125 ..................... no bi polar? well that much is good. What do you mean yu fiddled with the meds? dr. change them for you? Hope things get better as the weather does! fleamarket things are fun! but very addicting!


11:02 PM, 27/3/2006 ..
Has been a few days since my last entry. I have slept almost every day since Thursday. Was taken out today by some friends so it was my first 'no sleep day' since then. I was tired by the time I arrived home.

DD1 seems to think I am bunging it on and am being lazy but I am told it is just a 17 yr old reaction.............................

I am hoping this tiredness is due to the new drug the Psych has me on. (Can't remember if I've said this but he is cutting down on one anti depressant to introduce a new one).

I saw the haematologist on Wednesday, still no bone marrow results in but I guess one good thing is that the von Willebrands test has come in negative, I still have a positive coombs test (I think that means I am making antibodies to my red cells now as well as my platelets). He seemed to 'soften' a little when I told him I was feeling pretty flat, that I had seen both Psychiatrist and psychologist and medications were being altered.

I just wish it would all go away.

I have made mental notes of how not to be here, just go away for a while or something more permanent but I don't really think I could do the permanent thing.

I have lost interes in just about everything. I have been told I am bored and need something to be passionate about.........................

I have heaps of things I could do. dads roses need pruning, they have been neglected badly, Possums garden needs a revamp, I have my scrapbooking to do..........I think that one will get the priority. I will prune the roses well when it gets a little cooler.

I miss my eldest son so much sometimes it hurts. We have/ had a special mother/ son relationship. We seemed to be able to talk about so many different things but now he is at Uni, his life has changed, especially as he has one very, very special lady in his life. I hope they can both accept me as I am. I think there might be an 'issue' there but I don't really know. Maybe I am just imagining it.

Tomorrow is another day and with the help of my husband, who is upset to have me like this, I will get through all this. I want to try and sit at my scrapbook table tomorrow and do something that I enjoy and find relaxing.......................

I don't have a lot of time to myself and I really miss that. One doctor I saw just after I fell to bits on Possums anniversary, told me I shouldn't be on my own for a while. My sister wants to get away for a while so I will take my scrapping stuff and go to her house. Her kids are all roughly the same ages as mine and they are off to school by 7.45am and not home until 4pm so the quiet and solitude of her house will be bliss..............she lives on about 100 acres.

I must get myself to bed so that I can try to be up for the kids in the morning. Have to get myself back to doing the things I used to................................

Just wish I could find that Oh so elusive magic wand.......

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9:52 PM, 29/3/2006 .. Posted by bandit5125 ......... Jen, can you see a therapists? Does your insurance cover it? It could be the depresion pills making you more depressed. They recently had to change my dads because it was having a bad effect on him. Do you have friends that live close by that you can go out with to get away from the normal everyday life ? good luck to you and you ar ein my prayers

6:33 PM, 30/3/2006 ..

After the ups and downs of the last few weeks, I think I can safely say I am on the up at last.

I am not feeling quite as tired as I have done and had a great day yesterday scrapbooking with my friend. Had a late night / early morning (into bed at 1am) but felt really good. Made up for it today, though.......just had the kids school lunches made, left DH to get the fruit and water bottles organised and I think I was asleep again before they left for the day. Woke up about 11ish. Did a bit of web watching, then most of my ironing, then had another kip of 45 minutes........

I think I am feeling 'calmer' about things and I don't seem to be dwelling on stuff like I know I do. It is only early days yet, I know but I feel so much better for feeling better.

Talking to my son last night was wonderful as I hadn't spoken to him since my fall off the chair a week or two ago.

Off to get dinner.

5:25 PM, 5/4/2006 .
Has been a few days since I made an entry.

Things are going much better then when I began my 'boggy thingy' although sometimes it doesn't take a lot to make me feel a little bit 'BLAH' again.

Had a great chat to my big boy yesterday, miss that kid. he won't be home, now, until June/ July but that's OK because he'll be home for a few weeks.

My second big boy has been away for a few days at a rowing regatta. He did pretty well, came home with a silver medal Bus pulled in at 2.45 this morning so we both had a good sleep in....11am for him, 11.30 for me

My big girl has been doing Yr 12 half yearlies. Not happy yesterday after Maths but OK Monday (English) and today (Physics) Chemistry to come on Monday then it's over until the Trials in July.

We've bought a few plants to go into the gardens around our pool so that will be good to have them establish. I will be spending tomorrow with my friend scrap-booking so it will be a good day.

Off to do a bit of scraping now while DH gets tea

See you next time.

3:26 PM, 9/4/2006 ..


Here is my new addition.....................Ally.

I found her in a grassy gutter when I went for a walk last night after tea. I THINK she might be about 6-8 weeks old. She is SO tiny...........She will sit comfortably in the palm of my hand and loves to snuggle in the shoulder/ neck area. She is just gorgeous but badly needs a bath. i was going to do that this arv but she is asleep with DS2 on the lounge. Cannot disturb either of them.

yeah!
9:31 PM, 10/4/2006 .. Posted by bandit5125 ............ you sounds so much happier and lighter! so glad for you! cute kitty!

1:26 AM, 16/4/2006 ..
Another week has gone by.

I am still feeling well. I am sure my decrease plus change of tablets is a major factor. had a 'mini clash' with DD1 today and unlike previously (before I saw the psych) I was able to let it pass without recting like a box of fireworks that's had a match chucked in it !!!

My little kitten, Ally, is also playing her role in making EVERYONE feel good. She is so tiny but is doing so well. I weighed her on Tuesday and she was just under 300gms but this morning she is roughly 375gms. She is learning her way around the house, we have had no 'accidents' as she knows where her kitty litter is and uses it. thomas is slowly getting used to her but there were great strides forward last night when they ate beside one another. He looks SO BIG in comparison to weeny Ally.

I had better go and play the Easter Bunny !!

I see the Psych again on Tuesday and my Haematologist on Wednesday.

Have a HAppy Easter everyone.

11:04 PM, 18/4/2006 ..

Just a quick update before bed time !!!!

Saw the psych today. he is happy with my progress.

Off to see the haematologist tomorrow.

DH's youngest sister had her second child this morning, a baby girl,.....Aleesha Mary.

Welcome to the world, little one. Just might pop in and visit tomorrow while we are in town.


Happy Birthday!!
10:30 AM, 21/4/2006 .. Posted by bandit5125 ............. Hope you had a wonderful day today! Ally is just so adorable! xoxoxoxoxoxo


5:30 PM, 22/4/2006 ..

Thursday was my birthday. 21 again !!!! Had a pretty good day. Started out with news from my page boy (now in his 30's) to say his biggest brother had died. Said we would go to the funeral. After a yummy brekky of pancakes and fruit from DD1 and DS2 and opening some lovely presents, I thought I would settle down to scrapbooking...........................DS2 decided to give me a bear hug............he stepped backwards, I went forwards and crashed my foot into the corner of the skirting boards. I am now the proud owner of a spirally fractured bone at the base of my third toe. DS thought it was a great birthday present to give me !!!!

Ally is powering along. Just a gorgeous little baby, she is.


12:10 AM, 26/7/2006 ......

Well, it has been ages since I wrote here. The 22nd April, if I am right.

Life has still been up and down but fortunately up for most of the time. So much has happened. I have been back to see the psych because i had a fall to bits session just before my nieces' 3rd birthday. We were to go to her birthday party. Plans were going well, we were to take our own chairs. I asked DH about them a few days beforehand and he asked if I was worried about going. I had given this no thought at all and from that moment on I was a cot case. Got through the visit but only just. The Psych said it was a typical panic attack................I described, also, to him how I was feeling in his waiting room. Just on the verge of getting up and walking out. He changed my tablets again and I have been pretty good ever since.

Life with my DD1 has been a lot better, still up and down but much better. She has a friend, A. who she met at a party the night she gave Ally to me. His ex girlfriend broke off their relationship long before E. met him but J. has been giving her a really hard time over it to the point of spreading rumours about E. sleeping around and bragging to A. I am so thankful that E. has such a strong circle of friends. J. has only been at the school less than a year. DH and I have told E. that her friends know her far better than J. ever will. This was really proven to me last week when I did canteen. 2 of E's friends came in so I asked if they had heard these rumours. the girl said she refuses to liusten to stuff like that but the boy, B. told me I needn't worry about his E. HE had spoken to J. about that incident (rumours and threats to bash E.). I asked what she (J) said and he replied with 'she said that maybe she did go overboard with that'. I feel sorry for this girl, sometimes. She must have a sad home life for her to want to be like this, to grab attention the way she does.

Fortunately, E. is mature enough to not let it worry her anymore but I knew it was, even though she said she didn't care. As for J. bashing E., E's friends told J. that she would need to get past them before she'd reach E. Almost ALL of these kids have been together since pre-school or kinder.

This is E's HSC year and I think she is beginning to settle after the dreadful start to the year she has had.

M. was home from Uni in July for 2 weeks while his fiance, J was with her family. Although we missed M's J. it was, all the same, lovely to have him home by himself. E and M had some good long talks together.......so did my big boy and me.

I have been doing a bit of my scrapbooking but not as much as I'd like. My Rheumatologist told DH she thought it was a great thing for me to do when we saw her at the end of May. I had told her about the last incident of anxiety etc and she fully supports that I do something I feel good about. I think DH was surprised by that. I think he felt (and probably still does) that it was taking me away from doing housework etc.

My Haematologist still thinks that Acquired von Willebrands is an issue with me. Fortunately nothing active is going on there and with the antibodies to my red cells. I think I am more concerned about those than my low platelet count and the Acq von W. In my mind, more damage and more active treatment will happen when they kick into action.

I should really go to bed. I have had a head cold for 3 weeks now but it has hit home hard this last week. I have spent most nights coughing myself stupid and had Sunday til midday and all of today in bed. Apart from my depression, I have to be pretty crook to sleep the days away like that.....................

CIAO



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3:39 AM, 2/8/2006 .. Posted by Anonymous ................ Hi Jenny, I am glad to see you posting again, had been worried about you but had also seen you on P2P so knew that you were ok. I look forward to reading more and more from you! Cheers, Alicia


Life is Good Again
12:07 AM, 1/8/2006 .. ..

I have just had a great weekend.

I went to Jackadgery for a Christmas in July and had a ball. :)

I have a great friend visiting me from Saturday and I am hoping she might come up to Jackadgery while she is here. it is SO peaceful there. there will be three of us. No electricity, boil the copper for baths, slow combustion stove and the mornings can be so beautiful. Don't really want to leave once I get there !!!

We'll scrap by gas light at night.......................in front of an open fire.

PEACE !!!!


9:34 PM, 3/8/2006 ..

I had a good day today.

I saw my Haematologist and he said come back in 2 months, not one. I found a really good pair of joggers to replace my worn out old ones but best of all, my DH bought me a bottle of my favourite perfume........Estee Lauder's 'White Linen'. It was a spur of the moment buy which makes it all the more special......he NEVER does that !!!! :)


So Much for Scrapping by Gaslight !!!
10:31 PM, 4/8/2006 .....................................
Well, my planned weekend of peace was ruined this afternoon. Had a sudden onset of some pain and spent all afternoon under the influence of painkillers. Will now not be going away, just stay at home.

BUGGER !!
Never mind, I have some friends arriving tomorrow night for a few days so that will be fine.

DD2 wants a dress to go to the Junior Jacaranda Princess Ball next weekend so we will shop tomorrow for that.

DD1 is in the middle of her HSC trials and is more relaxed than I thought she would be.

DS2 has a continual thought that school is boring and useless. He definitely has the ability to be at the top of the class all the time so maybe he IS bored. Not quite sure what to do about that...............

DS1 now has 3 jobs as well as his Uni study. He is so happy that I am confident he will be fine. He and his Fiance are happier now than they were in the beginning..........happy then........happier now.

I have just changed to a new weblog template so I will need to investigate all I can do and things I can add. I would like to have a photo of my own at the top but I am not that computer literate. I think the dozy pup is OK, though.

Best go...................

See you next time around.


Don't Know How I feel.
11:34 AM, 10/8/2006 ........ I am sitting here when I really should be doing 'other' stuff. Woke up feeling a bit 'blah' this morning. Hips were really sore from lying on my side. I am trying to see how I go not having Celebrex for a while. Kidney Dr seems to think that my reduced kidney filtration might be due to the Celebrex. Sort of happy to put up with the aches and pains if it means the kidneys improve.
I sometimes feel bad that I have been away from my usual message boards but I seem to have been a 'discussion killer' at some places so if I stay away they won't miss me, that kind of thing. It is probably not true.
Dh's mother was admitted to hospital on Sunday night with asthma and pneumonia. DD1 became very teary. She is frightened of them dying, especially after losing Mum and Dad within 6 months of each other. Gee, that is 3 years ago for Dad and almost 3 for Mum.
I have had a wonderful weekend. A friend I did Midi with came down for a few days from QLD. Her Mum and Dad came for the drive. It was just great to see her again and I miss her not being here.................... Mr. and Mrs. D. had tea with us each night and on thier last night, I TOLD my friends, V. and G. that they would be staying for tea......We all had a fantastic night. B.and F. and V. and G. hit it off really well, which I thought they would do. !!! I was so pleased. R. and I and V. all shared our scrapbooking stuff and I am sure we have all been inspired by each others work. I just have to organise a trip away to R.'s place now. :)
Best toddle off .........
Mattie, if you read this, I love you my son.

Untitled Comment
7:00 PM, 18/8/2006 .. Posted by Anonymous ........ Oh I hope you are feeling better with a lot less aches and pains. It is so lovely to hear you had a good catch up with your friends..just what the doctor ordered I think! Never think badly about yourself Miss Jenny..you are a lovely person. Regards, robyn

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11:01 PM, 19/8/2006 .. Posted by Anonymous ...........Hi Jen..just saying that i'm still around and reading...take care of yourself ok? *hug* Tamara


Catch Up
2:15 AM, 30/8/2006......

Morning everyone,
I have been, for some time now, wanting to sit and bash the keyboard about 'stuff'......
A few weeks ago, DH told me (well, 'warned me') that I was as bad as I was in March. This came as a shock and surprise to me because I felt I had been pretty good...........no spontaneous tears, no trying to hurt myself, no 3hr long walks that almost wiped me out from exhaustion....nothing !! I cannot remember what sparked those comments from him BUT I do remember how I felt and it was not nice. I felt that maybe I shouldn't be here after all, if I wasn't, he wouldn't have to worry about me, he caouldn't use me as an excuse for not going anywhere on his own (eg:- his parents for a few days etc.) I did start to have (hidden) tears, felt really withdrawn, lost all interest in doing anything, felt so small and insignificant. What I felt strongly was the need to NOT be here.
I am through that now and I did it on my own but it was hard.
I came close to heavy duty words with DD1 (did poorly in her HSC Trials) about the need for study and a good pass for the required UAI for Uni. Almost came to heavy duty words to DS2 and DD2 over trivial things because I felt so low, then I just felt flat.
I wonder if these feelings that are closer to the surface than I thought are because I 'normally' do not think too highly of me or are they there because my antis Depressants are maybe not doing quite what they should be?
I know I am raving...............it is late (1.58am as I type) but it is all a jumble in my brain at the best of times. Also, I have found it a bit difficult to settle and concentrate on anything and I am not sleeping well.
Sorry for the raving, I'll finish now. i should really whack the delete button but I won't because I need opinions from people who really know...........
Thanks so much,
Jenny C.